beauty/'bju:ti/n. 1 a) combination of qualities such as shape, color,etc., that pleases the senses, esp. the sight. b) a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or the moral sense. 2 colloq.a) an excellent specimen. b) a beautiful woman.

This is the story of two nouns, Food and Beauty. Their tale is an old one set in a quiet corner of the Western World . Food and Beauty the eldest daughters of Lord Dirtybottom and Lady Cosmo, were merrily shoeing horses when Sir Perv, eldest son of Lord Elk's Testicles rode swiftly through the castle gates. Sir Perv, gallant knight of the Verbs, had come on orders from his father to offer his hand in marriage to one of the fair maidens.

When the maidens saw the brave knight, their eyes fell upon the detail and care with which his stud had been shoed. Who was it, they wondered, who could shoe a horse with such panache, such grace and style? The knight, in a moment of impertinence, revealed his intentions to the ladies. Food and Beauty fell about laughing. For Sir Perv, although the eldest son of Lord Elk's Testicles, was neither square of jaw nor quick of wit.

If he had been born without title, Sir Perv would have spent his days peeing in doorways and spying on mating sheep. But the demands of his position prevented him from doing these activities full time. As a knight, he learned to channel his depravities, to ritualise and, thereby, sanctify them. When he peed in doorways, crowds gathered, flowers were thrown and passersby genuflected.

When he told the Lord and Lady of his father's wishes, they were delighted since marriage would secure their estate and, thereby, increase their wealth and power. The question was raised; to which maiden would the knight propose? Lady Cosmo recommended a competition. Neither daughter took a keen interest in the idea and both set about to sabotage their parents' intentions.

The night before their first official meeting with the knight, Food and Beauty made ready their plans. Food ate copious amounts of refried beans and drank jugs of ale. Beauty set about ingesting plates of deep fried cheese and greasy duck while drowning the fatty morsels with glass after glass of syrupy sweet port. Their gastronomic orgy hit a crescendo as each fair maiden made offerings and prayed to the moon and the goddess Diana to bring an early start to their menses. As the sun shone high in the mid-day sky, the maidens were roused from their deep slumber by the crackling voice of their mother, Lady Cosmo.

"To win a man," Lady Cosmo began,"you much remember the three P's; pretty, perky and pouty. Look at you, you care not for impressions. The world is ruled by impressions. Rise you insolent wenches and make ready your charms to meet the gallant knight."

As the Ladies in Waiting were summoned, Food and Beauty rose from their beds feeling unwell and bloated. Each gave a laught of glee as they stared at the impressions left by their slumbering bodies. Large, moist red circles laughed back at them, as if amused to be drawn into such a conspiracy.

When the maidens met their parents and Sir Perv in the garden, Food was already emitting bucolic odors while Beauty's face gave testimony to the night's indulgence. Lady Cosmo made excuses for the late hour by calling attention to the maidens' delicate nature with which Food procured a flatulent explosion of magnanimous proportion. As she was standing upwind of the gallant knight at the time, it had the effect of a full frontal assault. He reeled from the blow and was only saved from the fall by the sturdy hand of Lord Dirtybottom. "She is a generous lass.", he whispered to the choking Sir Perv.

Beauty saw her cue and knew it best to strike while the poker was still hot. She pulled the knight close to her. "Sir Perv", she started,"please tell me what qualities pleases you in a woman." Sir Perv was regaining a sense of semblance when he started,"Well, my dear, a woman should be fair of skin,..." It was then that his eyes focused and fell upon her throbbing pustules. With this, the gallant knight fainted.

The two sisters lived happily ever after.