UPON SEVEN DAYS IN FAIR GLASGOW.
John Wilmot, Second Earl of Rochester, was the most notorious rake of Charles II's court, famed for his wild debauchery and savage wit. He was also one of the finest lyrical and satirical poets of his age. What follows are extracts from the personal journal he kept during a week in which he sampled the delights of contemporary Glasgow.
Vexation press'd upon my brow as I awoke. What manner of witchccraft is this which so curiously affects my very soul and sap - poison'd, no doubt, by wretch'd Mistress Sacking. Indeed Sir, her ale is fit only for hot brain'd fustian fools.
Arose at noon. This grim climate doth chill a man to the very quick. Breakfast'd hugely. By and by I chanc'd to stumble upon a slim volume of prose entitled, Disco Biscuits. Sir, you will forgive me if I appear dull witted but such language as I found within the tome was quite perplexing. Fancy or truth? I cannot say and so here recount a passage for your most reason'd delectation,"Twenty quid each or three for fifty. Pucka, I promise you."
Friends purchase. I go to purchase. He shakes his sweaty head. Danny simply slips a small white burger in my mouth. I raise some saliva and swallow.
What a diamond. White Burger Danny.
A spirit in the texte did touch me - perchance the very life breath of this fantastical character White Burger Danny. I'll wager him to be a debauching companion of the highest order, yet he takes no ale or wine but rather chews his marvellous lozenge. Well Sir, I confess, if 'twere White Burger to my right and Mistress Sacking's ale to my left I would assure'dly tred the ever righteous path.