Briefs from Issue 20
by Jasmine Grindstone

Benjy BearImage 1

Image 1:
Benjy Bear says:
"Freedom follows the sublect's urge to express itself"

  • New Arts On TV
Ratings for the new BBC TV show Bagwah Sri Ramjisharn's World of Art have rocketed, gaining as many as 15 million viewers during its prime time slot on Sunday evenings.The Punah based art historian and Buddhist monk has delighted viewers with his combined powers of insight and levitation. With the ability to divine the aesthetic worth of any work the Bagwah is penetrated by what he calls "art waves" which lift him off the surface of the earth. The degree to which he may levitate in front of a work has provided us with a tangible indicator of quality. Michaelangelo's David scored a fantastic five hundred metres, causing the monk to register on the air traffic control screens of the nearby Pisa Airport. In fact whilst in Florence the good monk's feet hardly touched the ground. But the producers are withholding the monk's access to the Sistine Chapel until the last programme in the series, fearing that the enclosed space might cause "art feedback" in which the power of the aesthetic waves will rebound off the gloriously sumptuous walls of the chapel, causing the monk to self immolate. The monk's innovative methods have provided art historians with a fool-proof way of discerning the authenticity of any painting or sculpture and has made and lost the fortunes of dozens of museums throughout the world.

Here are some of the quality/height ratings:
Leonardo: 27.4 metres
Chapmanworld: 9.7 metres
Damian Hirst: Minus 3 metres (spin paintings) and rapid fluctuation between 8 metres and minus 2 centimetres (tank pieces)
Bill Viola:12 meters and triple somersault
Mark Rothko: 33 metres.

The highest scoring living artist is Anselm Keifer at 64 metres and a slow decending spiral. Not to be outdone Melvin Bragg, at London Weekend Television, is commissioning a series from the Ruritaninan medium Countess Harmoni Blavatski. She will conduct a series of in depth interviews with dead artists. Questions will be provided by an invited panel of well known artists, critics and art historians.
Simultaneously the cable channel Arts-Now will be scheduling the Reverend Ian Paisley's Joys of Protestant art.
All in all it looks like we're in for an art-fest until well into the autumn. So, set your videos now.

  • Face lift
The French artist Veronique Cabale, who has undergone a series of cosmetic operations as part of her artistic practice, is to be sued by American Pop singer Michael Jackson. Over the last few years her similarity to Jackson has become more marked, as has Jackson's similarity to Cabale. The Jackson team are suing on the basis of infringement of moral rights under international copyright law. The team say the confluence of the two personae goes beyond mere appearance as Cabale has been seen executing a series of loud gyrations whilst extolling the virtues of human beings "being good to each other" and "not stopping 'til they get enough". Jackson's team have also produced video evidence of Cabale's messianic concern for the well being of the children of the world. The case continues.

  • Water Show
The International Arts Foundation [TIAF], in collaboration with Thames Water will be hosting an exhibition entitled "The Properties of Water". The works will include Valerie Volumes seminal piece Pump and Teresa Tone's ground breaking Outlet. The centrepiece of the exhibition will be a reconstruction of Phil Space's 1972 piece Twenty Thousand Gullys.

© Jasmine Grindstone 1996elogo